Category Archives: Humor
Last week a secret meeting of the world’s nine economic super powers met in San Francisco. The meetings discussed the current policies of each nation and their plans for the future in the wake of the Global Turn-Off. (In California that means Recession, “the Big R word,” Got it, Dude? Wow!!!)
As one of the planned closing events of the meeting, the nine leaders met at North Beach. The event: The Economic Leaders Swim to Alcatraz. It was a nice sunny day for San Francisco, about 65 degrees. Mark Twain said, “The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco.” In San Francisco, 65 degrees is considered a heat wave. What could they possibly know about Global Warming?
As each Economic Leader lined up near the sandy beach they were handed a wet suit and swimming fins. They immediately prepared for the difficult swim in 49 degree water. President Obama, the tallest and most youthful, lined up last. He was his usual 20 minutes late. He probably stopped for a cheese burger and fries with Michele out of sight of the media.
He was handed a blind fold to hold while ankle weights were attached to his legs. His hands were tied behind his back. Looking at the others, he asked, “How can I get my wet suit on like this?”
The reply was, “You won’t be getting a wet suit.” He said, “Hey, that water is 49 degrees I could freeze in that water if I don’t drown first.” “Yes, we know,” said the organizer of the event.
Obama looked around and noticed all the Economic leaders had not only wet suits but swimming fins. Obama yelled, “Hey, that’s not fair I can’t compete like this. I have weights on my legs, no wet suit, my hands are tied behind my back, and they are using flippers.”
“Mr. President, you are exactly right. The other nations competing against you are swimming in the same treacherous, cold waters as you. They are neither shackled nor blinded with the restraints that we have offered you.
The rubber in their wet suits represents their maximizing the use of their natural resources. They do not have the weights of heavy handed government regulation. They are not handcuffed with Transportation, Energy, EPA, and Department of Homeland Security policies like America. They have flippers to aid them through the currents of the dangerous waters that await you. Your blindfold represents how you have developed your economic policies ignoring what history has taught you.”
President Obama shouted out, “This isn’t fair. I have no chance of winning this way. I may even die.”
A reply came from someone wearing a zebra colored referee outfit. “Now you know how the American people feel.” And he yelled, “On your Mark – Get Set – GOOOOOO.”
The Unemployment Figures May Be Better than We Thought
Based on the latest Jobs Report released after
the 4th of July Weekend, jobs were up by 18,000 jobs last week. Obama reported that while unemploy-ment was up a tad bit, he saw some sunny spots on the horizon. After further analysis by CNBC, it was discovered that the increase in jobs was not a temporary blip on the job scene.
The single largest category to see full employment was Life Guards at our nation’s beaches. When the Presidents Press Secretary, Jay Carney was challenged by the discovery, Carney said, “Look at the bright side of this, Labor Day Weekend is only two months away, the third largest weekend for life guards.”
Carney was quick to add, “Then we will have the Temporary Santa Jobs Program that was a big success last year. In fact, the Santa Jobs Training Project, called “Project Ho, Ho, Ho” will begin right after the Labor Day weekend this year. We will be expanding the program to 17 languages. The ACLU has demanded that we have Santas who are fluent in both Hebrew and Yiddish this year.”
Here is something that confuses me. We give people money to be unemployed and tell them to look for a job but, many on the Left believe that asking people to look for work, especially when the Casey Anthony Trial was on TV, was cruel and unusual punishment.
The heartless Republicans believe if all benefits were ended then those on unemployment would have to look for work. The Left fears that many of the
unemployed will seek jobs currently held by illegals, the fasting growing voting block in America. The President’s campaign strategy is based on the theory that “working illegals” will vote for him, while “working Americans” will not. This theory is brilliant for the Democrats. It is a Win, Win, Win, Lose Proposition. Illegals get jobs, Americans get Unemployment Checks, and Obama gets votes, but we, the American People, lose because we pay for all of it. What a country!
In a related story: Using the latest economic indicator, it was reported that many people are taking Spanish as a second language in order to apply for “Green Jobs,” lawn mowing and gardening jobs. Many former corporate executives have been seen at the beach without sunscreen in order to look more ethnic. Tanning Salons are doing a booming business in non-beach towns. Wal-Mart reports that sales of straw hats is on the rebound indicating that the economy is improving.
A Real Solution for Immigration Reform for those States Who Want to Preserve Freedom
Each Border State should offer every illegal $500 when they get off the Freedom Bus in Chicago. Re-settlement camps can be set up in Lincoln Park. Each person will be given a sign that says, “Thank You Obama. We will vote for you in 2012.” We can flood Chicago, San Francisco, and Los Angeles for starters and then “move-on” to other major Blue State Cities. If these liberals want them, they can have them. They can vote for Hope and Change in the States that want it. We don’t have to take it anymore.
I say open the gates and let em’ in. Our buses will meet them at the border and we will take them for ride. Think of the immediate benefits: the jails will be vacant, schools can start teaching in English again, and the lines at the Emergency Rooms will be shorter and no more long waits on Election Day and best of all, you can leave your car running when you go to the 7-11 to buy your Stimulus Lottery Tickets.
I only have one question: How do you unionize illegals if every time you walk into the workplace they run away and hide? Oh, that is a problem for Obama, Botox Pelosi, Barbi Boxer and Her Eminence Diane Feinstein. By the way: How come illegals can afford to live in California but working people can’t?
Note: I lived in California and worked around Pelosi, Boxer, and Feinstein in their early days in politics. Now I live in Florida. In the immortal words of MLK, who was named after many streets in America, “I am Free at Last, Free at Last.”
Governor Brewer Refuses Holder Permit to Sell Guns To Drug Cartels
Governor Brewer is playing Tit for Tat with the highest Law Officer in the Land. Many say it is a grudge match, but Governor Brewer said that Eric Holder and his band of Outlaws may not sell guns to Drug Dealers in the State of Arizona without a permit.
Many think this is revenge for the Court Order to stop asking illegals if they are illegal. DOJ Chief Holder said SB 1070 was clearly a racist act and that all illegals, especially for those caught in stolen cars, should not have to produce any form of identification. In a public statement Holder said all illegals should be given new cars as retribution for our collective racist behavior. Shortly after this statement, President Obama announced his plan.
The theory is really quite simple and it makes a lot of sense from the Governments point of view. If all illegals were issued new cars they would not have to steal cars and that would immediately reduce the crime rate. It was initially thought this bold move would immediately put Union Workers back to work. But, in a turnaround move by the White House, President Obama signed a Trade Agreement with Mexico. President Obama ordered that all cars given to illegals will be made in Mexico. That way the Instruction Manuals would only have to be printed in Spanish rather than the costly Manuals in the US that are printed in English, Spanish and Arabic.
At a joint press conference, President Calderon thanked President Obama for the new factory to be built by GM at no cost to Mexico. Obama said it was the least he could do after Mexico was kind enough to send him so many new voters. He also mentioned that they would be returning on November 7th 2012 after the election.
Governor Brewer’s move was equally bold because her lawsuit against the DOJ included a Cease and Desist Order. She managed to serve the C & D Order on ATF Agents at the Flea Market where they were selling heavy artillery. Later that day she personally called Attorney General Holder and gave him a great suggestion. She said, “Since the Texas border is longer than ours, why don’t you just smuggle guns into Mexico from Texas and sell them in Mexico?” His first response was that based on Mexican law it was illegal to smuggle guns into Mexico and secondly, he said, “Jan, do you know what those people are like, it is far too dangerous.”
Holder followed up with the Governor by asking why she was “making a such big deal about a measly couple of million dollars in gun sales?” She said, “To be honest with your Eric, you started it when you sent me that letter requiring the Girl Scouts to have permits to sell cookies.” “You said it was to protect the people, so I will be damned if I let you sell guns to drug dealers in Arizona without a permit.”
After a short pause, the Attorney General replied, “Jan, I will get back to you. I have a long distance call on the other line. I think it’s Mexico with another order for AK-47s.”
It has been a very rough week for the President and his minions. Between Weinergate and the Presidents non-scripted comments, someone should put a muzzle on any Democrat near a micro-phone.
Below are three stories: two are false and one is true.
On the Ann Curry Morning Show, Obama blamed the poor showing of his Jobs Agenda on ATMs resulting in unemploying bank tellers. He said his latest program would employ almost two million people in the next thirty days. He will soon be signing an Executive Order requiring all ATMs to be “manned or womaned” 24 hours a day. He said the new program would immediately “create or save” 1 million high tech jobs. There would also be a Jobs Training Program for proper PIN usage. In addition to the increase in these high tech jobs, due to safety concerns, each ATM Operator will be assigned a Personal Safety Officer, who will be armed. This will add another 1 million jobs. Since the security jobs will require handgun experience, all recruiting will take place in the Inner Cities. The President assured Ann that Drug Dealing will not be allowed while on duty.
Story Number 2. Shamed, but not forgotten, Congressman Anthony Weiner had a combative press conference after consulting with former President Clinton. It was reported that Clinton said that he should have “manned up” and admitted that he did not have sex with those women. Clinton told him. “You should always have a Blue Dress handy, without that people just won’t believe your story.” He added, real men don’t have telephone sex. They have sex with real people. He said he got that advice “straight” from Barney Frank. The former President told him if he needed an alibi he would give him Monica’s number, he said “She needs the press anyway.” Before the President left, he apologized for his comment, “If you wait long enough this whole thing will blow over, heh, heh, heh, no pun intended.”
It was reported that the resigned Weiner and his wife would be spending a couple of days in the Hamptons. She will be in North Hampton and he will be staying in South Hampton where they have better cell phone service for imaging.
Story Number 3. Friday at the White House, Press Secretary Carney, exhausted from a tough week of trying to defend stupidity, said he had nothing to report. The White House Press Briefing website indicated another deep concern from the press corp. Question #4 was, “Will the press have access to the President tomorrow while he is playing golf?”
Okay, I made up the first two stories. The third one is True. With the country and the world in turmoil isn’t it reasonable to assume that just about anything would be more important than following the President around the golf course?
Educational Tidbit of the Week: Thanks to A. Weiner we have added another expression to our lexicon. “How’s your Tony?”